What the cards say
Today, I met up with C. for the first time since we broke up, face to face. We had a drink after gym. I passed him a t-shirt and a DVD I had bought him in London, along with some t-shirts he had left at my place. He returned me the house keys and two supplementary cards I had given him. We talked about the elections, my upcoming column and our friends. It was a good chat and I enjoyed it.
When I got home, however, I wished he hadn't given me back those credit cards. I have no use for them at all, and in the end, they only reminded me of what I felt when I applied for them. How I proudly told the DBS officer who called me up to ascertain our relationship that he was my partner. That I thought of him almost all the time during our time together and how I really loved him wholeheartedly, but somehow it wasn't enough to see us through.
The cards also made me realise that even though I will eventually learn to love someone again, I doubt I will ever give my heart unconditionally to someone again. When my Valentine's Day tribute to C. was published on Fridae, one cynical reader wrote in the feedback section that such displays of emotion were simply foolish and naive. And that I would look at love very differently when the relationship ends.
Now I look back and I realise that what he said is sadly going to be true. That even though I will recover and have other relationships, there is a certain magic and wonder that is probably forever gone, and I will never again feel the depth of feeling which enabled me to write such a piece. That future relationships will make up for, and repair, the disappointment I felt, and at best, go only most of the way in restoring my faith in love. Maybe one day I'll look back on these sentences and be amused to find about how melodramatic they are. But I suspect there will always be a ring of truth about them that I will never shake off.
When I got home, however, I wished he hadn't given me back those credit cards. I have no use for them at all, and in the end, they only reminded me of what I felt when I applied for them. How I proudly told the DBS officer who called me up to ascertain our relationship that he was my partner. That I thought of him almost all the time during our time together and how I really loved him wholeheartedly, but somehow it wasn't enough to see us through.
The cards also made me realise that even though I will eventually learn to love someone again, I doubt I will ever give my heart unconditionally to someone again. When my Valentine's Day tribute to C. was published on Fridae, one cynical reader wrote in the feedback section that such displays of emotion were simply foolish and naive. And that I would look at love very differently when the relationship ends.
Now I look back and I realise that what he said is sadly going to be true. That even though I will recover and have other relationships, there is a certain magic and wonder that is probably forever gone, and I will never again feel the depth of feeling which enabled me to write such a piece. That future relationships will make up for, and repair, the disappointment I felt, and at best, go only most of the way in restoring my faith in love. Maybe one day I'll look back on these sentences and be amused to find about how melodramatic they are. But I suspect there will always be a ring of truth about them that I will never shake off.
posted by rookcub at
12:36 AM
3 Comments:
you saying this is braver than i can ever see myself being. i refuse to believe the magic will be forever gone; or maybe i'm just reluctant to accord so much meaning to such a disastrous relationship.
but i admire your courage. hopefully one day i will admire it enough to learn from it. haha.
I assume you are bring ironic about this.
It doesn't take any courage to become disillusioned and detached about love. I was just hoping that I needn't have to join the jaded masses.
i'm not being ironic. i think it does take courage to acknowledge that love lost can be life-changing. it's much more cowardly to pretend nothing's happened and to never learn from it and to keep blindly hoping the next one will be better.
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