"300" through pink glasses

Here's M.'s review of "300", which pretty much sums it up actually...

OK,
Mixed bag... you gotta watch it for many reasons though!
Sometimes I was on the edge of my seat, sometimes I wanted to laugh but I was sitting next to a lot of mats and their girlfriends and didn't wanna spoil the show for them.
For sure it's a homoerotic movie but it's a white one! (Xerxes's Persian horde is made up of Asians, Africans, Africans, Africans.. did I say Africans? but they obviously DON'T go to the same 24hr hot shit GYM that the Spartans do!)
BUT still - there's something in it for all men, hetero, homo, metro. It gets your heart pumping for all the wrong, wrong, wrong reasons!! LOVELY!! Ignore the horrific lag in between the special moments, money cannot buy a sense of drama, just thumping pomposity. Concentrate on the glorious killing, the amazing camera and cgi work, CONCENTRATE on the bodies clad in their leather cod-pieces. And the dedication to bringing the feel of the graphic novel to the screen is stupendously dedicated. 5 stars for that baby!
Loved the music, loved the bodies. The history is completely dodgy but who cares about history in this world? OF course we know the Spartans were Dorian by descent and they did NOT (sic) introduce pederasty in ANY form into the Greek peninsula. (Because Leonidas calls the Athenians boy-loving idiots - trust me to catch that.. and trust me to know that the Athenians were Ionians - not the original creators of that man-young boy shit)
Xerxes is really Yul Brynner crossed with Christina Aguillera. 9 feet tall, impossibly choreographed and would have been menacing (finally a homo villain worth my respect? No, I'm afraid, the voice synching and his eye-direction were all slightly off and I felt I could have done better with his eyeliner.)
I've been to Iran... the average Joe on the street in Tehran has more sex appeal in one finger than Xerxes here has in his whole make up team.
It seems that, no matter what the odds, the glories of Spartan (substitute white pro family) power will always win out against the lesbians, homos, freaks, elephants, money and masses of the rest of the world (because that is what Xerxes' hordes were made up of!) because they have better health clubs, hair removal, steroids, growth hormones and better lighting! And they do NOT indulge in body piercing neither do they tolerate the deformed or the sickly. And above all, they don't go to late night clubs, bars, discos nor read Arena or Vogue.
They do have the most amazing hair-removal specialists I've seen and I want to see it again just to check out all the muscle stretched taut over smooth skin...
Above all watch the movie in it's 'digital' format on large screen.
Otherwise... don't rent the DVD.