The past 2 weeks in bullet points

1. So I've met someone. E. is 25 and like C., attended Ngee Ann Poly (except he did Film and Sound, not Mass Comms). Like C., he is now doing a degree course in Mass Comms at SIM University (except he is one year below C.). And like C., he lives in Hougang Ave 4 (one bus-stop away from C.'s mother's place to be exact). In some pictures, he even looks like C. If it sounds like a classic case of Mr Rebound/Replay/Replacement, it probably is. So I'm taking it slow. Maybe I'm not ready for a new relationship cos I haven't played around enough yet, but as J. said to me a few days ago from HK: "You can never have enough of playing around... " Anyway, back to E., who of course knows all this history and has as a result become totally paranoid about comparisons with C. And comparisons are popping up all over the place, since the "bear" circle in Singapore is so small. I think K. summed it up fittingly with his one-word response: "Aiyo."

2. I bought a new phone (again). And at $1,188 it's the most expensive one yet, marginally eclipsing the $998 I paid for my Sony Ericsson W900i. Granted it's 180g and built like a brick, so the Nokia N93 is not the sleekest thing around. But it does have 3G, wi-fi, a 3.2 megapixel Carl Zeiss lens and video capture at near-DVD quality of 30 frames per second. I was sold instantly on the fact that there's no other phone like it in the market today (and the salesgirl at the Nokia showroom who was really nice and thoroughly deserved her commission for smiling ever so slightly at my attention-seeking bimbo comments). But more importantly, it's a phone that takes phones to a new level for me. And that, in a silly sort of way, implies the opening up of new avenues and vistas in life. As I told A. in my most serious voice today, "I've realised that looks aren't everything... it's the features inside that you want to be wowed by daily." After which she squinted at me and replied: "Who are you and what have you done with c7676?"

3. More retro fever on the music front as I bought crystal clear remasters of Depeche Mode's Some Great Reward and Culture Club's Colour By Numbers. And in the process rediscovered what a great and soulful singer Boy George is. I also bought a 2-hour documentary on the Pet Shop Boys that caused me to take out all my PSB albums to listen to them again. And in the process rediscovered one of my favourite lines of all time:

"I never thought that I would get to be
The creature that I always meant to be
But I thought, in spite of dreams
You'd be sitting somewhere here with me"

Being Boring, Pet Shop Boys

4. M. is back in town, but strangely, I've not had time to meet him face-to-face yet. As usual, though, we've been egging each other on to buy expensive new phones.

5. I went for a one-day air pistol course, after which I reaffirmed something about myself. That I would only take up the sport if there was some kind of competition between my friends and me over who can score higher and wear nicer clothes to the firing range. But I would never find any challenge in improving myself over time, because I frankly find that totally pointless.

The world according to us

Life On Your Own

So after about a week of sulking and unseen drama, I think I'm beginning to come to terms, albeit rather unsteadily, with everything that has happened. I've talked to a lot of people, heard a lot of opinions and stories (especially about E.) and turned things over and over in my head.

The one thing that sticks out for me, in the final analysis, is that C. really didn't have to stick around to explain all this to me. And because of this, I believe he is sincere. It would have been far easier for him to just leave suddenly, cut off all contact and start anew with E. No anger, no guilt and no mess for him to deal with at all. But I know why he stuck around, taking my calls and bitter SMSes, apologising and explaining himself over and over again. After six years, C. knows me very well and he is still the person that knows me best in this world. He knows, in particular, that I'm a fundamentally weak person that has developed a tremendous emotional reliance on him. He knows that I draw strength from him and often feel better after talking to him, even if the conversation ends with no real conclusions. He knows that he is an essential part to me getting over him. So even when I was at my most angry, I knew deep in my heart that he's still around because he still cares for me, and wants me to get through this okay.

After six years with him, I understand why he did what he did as well. Why he had no courage to break up earlier with me when there were problems, why he was uncommunicative, why he delayed telling me about E... I can never be angry with C., I've long realised. He is, and will always be, very special. This is why there will always be a part of me that waits for him, and why the cheesy spoken bit in the Human League's classic 80s hit "Louise" will always ring true:

"It's not always true that time heals all wounds
There are wounds that you don't wanna heal
the memories of something really good
something truly real, that you never found again"

I've also realised that aside from the pain of losing C., I really don't have that much to moan about in this post-breakup phase. I've not had a problem at all meeting guys that I want to meet and I've really met a lot of interesting people these past six months. Thanks to everyone who rallied around me... I should be okay now. When I read about far bigger problems people like Cliff are facing, I tell myself to stop being a drama queen victim and move on.

Clarifications

Ok, since I wrote that angry post below, I've had an account from C. of how things actually happened.

So C. did meet E. two months before we broke up and E. decided to stop seeing C. about a week before our own break-up. He apparently did not give any ultimatum about leaving me to C.

C. says he had decided he had to let E. go. But he was also inspired by E.'s resolute action, who had transformed his life after attending the self-help course. He then decided that the right thing to do to transform his own life (which he didn't like) was to break up with me and just be alone, a decision he had been putting off. He wanted to do this at some point... he didn't know when but he gave himself a year.

The opportunity presented itself a week later after an argument about weight gainers, when I sensed that C. was becoming really unhappy. I remember the next morning at breakfast, he couldn't even look me in the eyes anymore. That was when I asked whether he was going to leave me, and the rest is history. C. says that when E. heard about the break-up, he pursued C. aggressively and so they are together now.

Is this how it really happened? Was our own break up the result of C. smarting over losing E. only just recently, or from a more deep-seated dissatisfaction with his life? Whatever the case, it doesn't change the fact that it was E. who precipitated the break-up, or that this is truly the end of the road with C. It does, however, make me just that little bit less cynical about love.