Life On Your Own
So after about a week of sulking and unseen drama, I think I'm beginning to come to terms, albeit rather unsteadily, with everything that has happened. I've talked to a lot of people, heard a lot of opinions and stories (especially about E.) and turned things over and over in my head.
The one thing that sticks out for me, in the final analysis, is that C. really didn't have to stick around to explain all this to me. And because of this, I believe he is sincere. It would have been far easier for him to just leave suddenly, cut off all contact and start anew with E. No anger, no guilt and no mess for him to deal with at all. But I know why he stuck around, taking my calls and bitter SMSes, apologising and explaining himself over and over again. After six years, C. knows me very well and he is still the person that knows me best in this world. He knows, in particular, that I'm a fundamentally weak person that has developed a tremendous emotional reliance on him. He knows that I draw strength from him and often feel better after talking to him, even if the conversation ends with no real conclusions. He knows that he is an essential part to me getting over him. So even when I was at my most angry, I knew deep in my heart that he's still around because he still cares for me, and wants me to get through this okay.
After six years with him, I understand why he did what he did as well. Why he had no courage to break up earlier with me when there were problems, why he was uncommunicative, why he delayed telling me about E... I can never be angry with C., I've long realised. He is, and will always be, very special. This is why there will always be a part of me that waits for him, and why the cheesy spoken bit in the Human League's classic 80s hit "Louise" will always ring true:
"It's not always true that time heals all wounds
There are wounds that you don't wanna heal
the memories of something really good
something truly real, that you never found again"
I've also realised that aside from the pain of losing C., I really don't have that much to moan about in this post-breakup phase. I've not had a problem at all meeting guys that I want to meet and I've really met a lot of interesting people these past six months. Thanks to everyone who rallied around me... I should be okay now. When I read about far bigger problems people like Cliff are facing, I tell myself to stop being a drama queen victim and move on.
The one thing that sticks out for me, in the final analysis, is that C. really didn't have to stick around to explain all this to me. And because of this, I believe he is sincere. It would have been far easier for him to just leave suddenly, cut off all contact and start anew with E. No anger, no guilt and no mess for him to deal with at all. But I know why he stuck around, taking my calls and bitter SMSes, apologising and explaining himself over and over again. After six years, C. knows me very well and he is still the person that knows me best in this world. He knows, in particular, that I'm a fundamentally weak person that has developed a tremendous emotional reliance on him. He knows that I draw strength from him and often feel better after talking to him, even if the conversation ends with no real conclusions. He knows that he is an essential part to me getting over him. So even when I was at my most angry, I knew deep in my heart that he's still around because he still cares for me, and wants me to get through this okay.
After six years with him, I understand why he did what he did as well. Why he had no courage to break up earlier with me when there were problems, why he was uncommunicative, why he delayed telling me about E... I can never be angry with C., I've long realised. He is, and will always be, very special. This is why there will always be a part of me that waits for him, and why the cheesy spoken bit in the Human League's classic 80s hit "Louise" will always ring true:
"It's not always true that time heals all wounds
There are wounds that you don't wanna heal
the memories of something really good
something truly real, that you never found again"
I've also realised that aside from the pain of losing C., I really don't have that much to moan about in this post-breakup phase. I've not had a problem at all meeting guys that I want to meet and I've really met a lot of interesting people these past six months. Thanks to everyone who rallied around me... I should be okay now. When I read about far bigger problems people like Cliff are facing, I tell myself to stop being a drama queen victim and move on.
posted by rookcub at
12:00 PM
1 Comments:
I'm really happy to hear that you're feeling better.
What we all go through, though relative, are exercises of our humanity. What Jesse and I face is difficult, but that doesn't mean we don't also argue about what to eat for lunch, or get pissed when the other forgets to take the trash out.
Perspective is easily lost, even during hard times. We all do the best we can to remember what's true and important.
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